Peloponnesian War (Part Two)

Last time...on the Canned Historian:

• Greek city-states became Greek city-men during the Persian War.
• Workplace tensions between Athens' Delian League and Sparta's Peloponnesian League could not be resolved by HR, initiating the Peloponnesian War in 431 BC.
• Sparta refuses to get wet, and Athens doesn't want to get out of the pool, so the war goes nowhere at first.
• Jack Bauer rescues his daughter and takes down the Serbian agent who kidnapped her, only to realize that he killed the agent's body-double's second-cousin-twice-removed, and had mistaken his daughter with a My Size Barbie.
• Athens and Sparta agree to the Peace of Nicias, putting the war on hold...for now...

Fig.1: Despite popular knowledge, 
this gentleman would not be 
involved in Syracusan politics 
until the mid-4th century BC.

By 415 BC, Athens and Sparta had been at "peace" for six years (I use that word as lightly as Burger King uses "healthy" to describe their new menu options). There had been fighting between Athens' and Sparta's allies in their respective Leagues, but the two main powers had stayed out of their gym class squabbles for the most part. But then Athens received a nice letter from some friends on the island of Sicily, asking them to help in their struggle against the big man on campus there: Syracuse (not really fig.1). Athens saw an opportunity not only to help a friend out, but to plant a foot in Sicily and hopefully use its resources to eventually defeat those Spartans. Okay, to be honest, Athens was really only thinking of that second thing, but who hasn't been a little selfish when given the chance to take over a large island in the Mediterranean? You and I have no right to judge!

Peloponnesian War (Part One)

Fig.1: The Battle of Mrs. Hutchinson's Geometry Class, circa 6th Period.

Among the funny-sounding wars in Ancient history, the Punic Wars always win out (hehe...Punic), but perhaps more costly and ground-breaking is the Peloponnesian War. This fight to the death between Athens and Sparta in the 5th century prior to the first baking of doughnuts (which scholars refer to as Before Crullers, or BC) devastated Greece and its colonies, and practically ended the Greek Golden Age of literature, philosophy, athleticism, and binge drinking that we commonly associate with the era. What's worse is that the conflict played out pretty much like a high school quarrel: one person said something bad about another behind their back, causing both sides to involve all of their friends in the feud, which effectively ended any hope for a quick peaceful resolution without someone getting sweet potato casserole dumped over their head in the cafeteria. And let me tell you, that stuff does not get out of your hair easily at all.

Fall of Constantinople

Fig.1: No, you can't go back to Constantinople! So stop asking!

Wise men once said that, "Istanbul was Constantinople; now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople." And they would be right! The city in Turkey that straddles the border of Europe and Asia is now known as Istanbul, but way back when it was called Constantinople. But that's been a long time gone...over five-and-a-half centuries to be more precise. So even though that's apparently nobody's business but the Turks', let's look into the reason why if you have a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul.

Constantinople was technically founded in 330 Anno Doughnutty by the Roman Emperor Constantine (who, in all his narcissism, named it after himself), but it was really the site of the Ancient Greek city of Byzantium. That's like me going to Pittsburgh and saying, "I'm going to build an even better city here!" Which wouldn't be hard, cause it's Pittsburgh, but still, not cool. Anyway, Constantinople served as the capital of the eastern half of the Roman Empire, but then it became the only capital when Rome itself was bombarded with barbaric barbarians. Historians like to refer to the empire that Constantinople was centered around as the Byzantine Empire, to distinguish it from the Roman Empire and make it less confusing. But the Byzantines saw themselves as the Roman Empire, and in a sense, they were a continuation of the Roman Empire. So good job making things more confusing, you stupid historians! The nerve of those people (present company excluded, of course)!