Ivan the Terrible

Fig.1: If anything's terrible,
it's that robe.

Back in the day, epithets really defined what people were all about. Sure, there have been plenty of "the Great"s, but let's not forget awesome ones like Richard the Lionheart, Suleiman the Magnificent, and the attractive uncle-nephew duo of Charles the Bald and Charles the Fat (until they morphed and became Charles the Danny-DeVito-Doppelganger). But my favorite epithet was given to Tsar Ivan IV Vasilyevich of Russia: the Terrible. Granted, the word terrible is being used here in its original sense (as in one who strikes terror in people, which can be seen as a good thing if you're always at war with your neighbors like Russia is), but its modern definition as bad, unpleasant, and just downright jerkish also would apply to Ivan. Examples of his terribleness include imprisoning people for no reason, destroying cities within his own kingdom, taking over indigenous peoples in Siberia, and killing his own successor so that his kingdom would fall into chaos within 15 years of his own death. If anything, maybe Ivan should be called something worse than "terrible," since that merely puts him on par with your average Adam Sandler movie.

Tunguska Event

Fig.1: Treebeard's not going to like this.

An old maxim goes, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well if about 80 million trees fall as a result of some kind of incredible explosion (fig.1), and no one knows exactly how it happened, do we really care? This is what happened on June 30, 1908 near the Podkamennaya Tunguska River in remote central Siberia. The blast leveled over 800 square miles of forest, measured 5.0 on the Ritcher scale, was about 1,000 times more powerful than the nuclear bomb dropped on Hiroshima, and scored a perfect 2400 on its SATs. It is by far the most powerful natural explosion in recorded history (since those dinosaurs were too lazy and dead to write about whatever it was that made them extinct). Luckily enough, the blast occurred in the Pennsyltucky part of Russia and did not cause any casualties, which is more than I can say about my Uncle Lou's indigestion attack of '97 (R.I.P. Miss Pussykins).

Peter the Great of Russia

Fig.1: The greatest thing about Peter the Great is that 
Johnny Depp could easily play him in a bio-pic.

Every country has a polarizing figure who transforms a nation's fortunes by saying, "And now for something completely different!" In Russia, that figure would be Peter the Great (fig.1). In some ways, he continued Russia's normal routine of expanding their landmass at the expense of ethnic groups who had at least forty different words for "snow." He even waged war against the powers of Sweden and Ottoman Turkey for seaports that weren't clogged with ice all the time, something all Russian sailors and synchronized swimmers could get behind. But Peter becomes controversial because he often looked to that dastardly West for inspiration on how to rule and, even more alarmingly, how his people should act. His obsession for the ways and customs of places like England, France, and Germany frightened his stoically conservative citizens who had been wearing their babushkas the same way forever! While Peter is still considered "Great," many Russians can't help but say that word in the same manner as, "Great, my frostbitten picky toe needs to be amputated!"