Queen Lili'uokalani

Fig.1: If only Liliuokalani had a hula-dancer
tattooed on her arm, which she could make
dance by flexing her bulging muscles.

Hawaiian names are always fun to pronounce, and extremely useful when naming Dragonball attacks (just ask King Kamehameha). The best name in my opinion is Lili'uokalani. Granted, she's more than just a name: she remains one of the most revered leaders in the islands' history to this day, over a century after her reign. She became Queen of Hawaii in 1891, and though she was its last monarch before its takeover by the United States, her short reign and its aftermath proves that she was a woman with determination, tenacity, and rock-hard biceps (fig.1). Her contributions to the Hawaiian Islands beyond the realm of politics make her a focal point of the people's culture and national identity. Plus, she was as sweet as the sugar that caused the exploitation of her kingdom in the first place. (Is that irony? I don't think anyone knows what irony really is anymore.)

The future queen was born in 1838 and named Lydia Lili'u Loloku Walania Wewehi Kamaka'eha, which makes me feel grateful for the shortened twelve-letter version we use now. She was named by King Kamehameha's sister who was suffering from an eye infection and obviously had nothing else on her mind at the time, since "Lili'u Loloku Walania" means "smarting, tearful, burning pain" (there's one than one way to scar a child, I suppose). Hawaiians liked to practice informal adoption during this time, and Lydia (as she was called before her reign, to the saving grace of my typing fingers) was given to the family of Chieftain Abner Pākī, who had no children of his own. As a result of Pākī's position as King Kamehameha's top adviser, Lydia grew up around the Hawaiian royal family and received the best education (alongside the best views of the ocean, of course). Her prestige only increased when her biological family also became influential among the ruling elite. Must be nice to have not one, but two sets of rich parents.

What was the Holy Roman Empire?

Fig.1: Where to begin with this madness?

The 18th century French philosopher Voltaire (you know, that guy that snug people pretend to understand) once said, "This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire." And like most things Voltaire said that I totally understand, he definitely had a point. The Holy Roman Empire, which officially existed between 962 and 1806, is certainly difficult to characterize in such simple terms. It may have been "Holy" in the beginning, but centuries of conflicts with the Catholic Church should have probably forced them to discontinue use of that adjective. It really wasn't all that "Roman," since it was mostly centered around present-day Germany and only controlled the city of Rome for a fraction of its existence. And, yes, while the big boss of the Holy Roman Empire was called an emperor, he came to possess so little power that using the word "Empire" to describe it is practically akin to calling Waffle House a 5-star restaurant. Nevertheless, as the political, military, religious, and geographic center of Europe for much of the second millennium After Doughnuts (AD), it's hard to ignore this confusing monstrosity when discussing world history. I guess that's my job or something.

Hangul, the Korean Alphabet

Fig.1: Korea's two biggest contributions to culture. You 
decide which one is more important.

Many nations take a lot of pride in some of their own innovations. Canada loves their sport of ice hockey, and lately have been unwilling to share their gold metals with anyone else. Argentina lives to make people feel uncoordinated and uncomfortable with their tango dancing. Even India celebrates their invention of the number zero during the Gupta period by having nine of them when their population is rounded down. But perhaps one of the most interesting and original creations from any culture occurred in Korea in the 15th century: Hangul, the Korean alphabet. Unlike many other writing systems that were either developed over a long period of time or largely adapted from another, Hangul was specifically designed to match the Korean language. The alphabet has become so revered in the peninsula that its creator is considered a legendary hero, a national holiday commemorates its implementation, and its use is one of the few things that North and South Korea agree about. That alone makes Hangul worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize!

Thomas Jefferson

After a nearly two year absence, the Canned Historian is back! And just in time for President's Day once again! Since you're not able to go to the bank, post office, school, or video store (though most of the latter are closed 365 days a year anyway), you might as well stay in and read my continuing series on the U.S. Presidents! And when you're done, check out my previous histories on George Washington and John Adams, since they did some presidential things as well.

Fig.1: Jefferson doesn't even need to sign the waiver to
order the ghost pepper wings anymore.

Everybody knows Thomas Jefferson: author of the Declaration of Independence, founder of the Democratic Party, third President of the United States, patron of the University of Virginia, sage of Monticello, and world record-holder of most hot wing challenges beaten in the former Thirteen Colonies (fig.1). But are we getting the full story here? Does Jefferson really deserve all the accolades that historians, politicians, and third-grade biography-report-writers heap upon his powdered head? Just like with George Washington, many are beginning to take a more skeptical view of Jefferson's contributions; unlike Washington, however, this skepticism is 100% deserved. Upon a closer glance, turns out that Thomas Jefferson is nothing but a liar, cheater, plagiarizer, credit-stealer, backstabber, profligate, and womanizer who pioneered for future American politicians to be all those things as well! So allow me to expose this fraud, whose face should be plastered on signs that read "Do Not Accept Checks from This Man" as opposed to national monuments.