Thomas Jefferson

After a nearly two year absence, the Canned Historian is back! And just in time for President's Day once again! Since you're not able to go to the bank, post office, school, or video store (though most of the latter are closed 365 days a year anyway), you might as well stay in and read my continuing series on the U.S. Presidents! And when you're done, check out my previous histories on George Washington and John Adams, since they did some presidential things as well.

Fig.1: Jefferson doesn't even need to sign the waiver to
order the ghost pepper wings anymore.

Everybody knows Thomas Jefferson: author of the Declaration of Independence, founder of the Democratic Party, third President of the United States, patron of the University of Virginia, sage of Monticello, and world record-holder of most hot wing challenges beaten in the former Thirteen Colonies (fig.1). But are we getting the full story here? Does Jefferson really deserve all the accolades that historians, politicians, and third-grade biography-report-writers heap upon his powdered head? Just like with George Washington, many are beginning to take a more skeptical view of Jefferson's contributions; unlike Washington, however, this skepticism is 100% deserved. Upon a closer glance, turns out that Thomas Jefferson is nothing but a liar, cheater, plagiarizer, credit-stealer, backstabber, profligate, and womanizer who pioneered for future American politicians to be all those things as well! So allow me to expose this fraud, whose face should be plastered on signs that read "Do Not Accept Checks from This Man" as opposed to national monuments.

John Adams

Happy Presidents' Day weekend! I will be continuing my coverage of every United States chief executive that I began last year with George Washington and will end in 2059 with the eternal-presidency of Taylor Swift. God help us.

Fig.1: Who is this guy again?

It's tough being a second fiddle, especially when one fiddle is annoying enough. In American history, the quintessential second banana also happened to be the second President: John Adams (fig.1). While he was undoubtedly one of the most influential figures during the American Revolution and in the early political development of the United States, Adams has been overshadowed, both then and now, by his more recognizable contemporaries. This certainly did not help his normally sour mood, as Adams was a master at quick wit and insults even before the days of "Yo Mama" jokes. It will now be my goal to lift John Adams out of his constant role as an understudy and make him the leading man on the marquee. At least until next year when I get to write about Thomas Jefferson (oh good, somebody important).

Canada (video)

This is entry #3 of the C.A.N. World Factbook, the only reliable source for international information that's also chocked full of terrible jokes. Today, we are looking at the most humble, unassuming country on Earth: Canada. So how about we knock them down a notch or two? From its rich history, to its wide landscape, to its funny pronunciation of words, I have a lot of material to work with. And I don't even mention Justin Bieber! You're welcome.

C.A.N. World Factbook: Canada

Custer's Last Stand at Little Bighorn

Fig.1: Still not nearly as bad as invading Russia.

There have been many screw-ups in military history. Notable ones include Napoleon's invasion of Russia, Hitler's invasion of Russia, and the Russians' invasion of Russia (boy, did they have egg on their faces when they did that). But among the non-invasion of Russia screw-ups, the one cited most often is United States General George Armstrong Custer's 1876 charge against an alliance of Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho Native Americans at the Battle of the Little Bighorn in present-day Montana (fig.1). Custer led a regiment of under 700 U.S. soldiers against a Native force believed to have been numbered over 2,000, and got beat worse than a stutterer at a spelling bee. Since then, Custer's name has been synonymous with arrogance, unpreparedness, underestimating one's opponents, and a delectable cream-based dessert sauce. But does he deserve this reputation? Were there uncontrollable forces working against him? Did he receive inaccurate information from his normally reliable spies? Should starch be added to create a thicker variation more suitable as a filling for tarts? Let us examine the man and the situation more thoroughly and, quite possibly, restore the old general's honor. It doesn't get more tasty than that!

Battle of the Alamo

Fig.1: What's this place again?

They tell us that we must "Remember the Alamo!" But I've got a lot of stuff bouncing around my brain, like all 282 laws on the Code of Hammurabi, and the order of succession for the British throne (I'm only 486,593,204th in line!), and which establishments have dollar tacos on what days of the week. There needs to be a good reason for me to make room in my memory banks for yet another piece of information. So should we care about the Battle of the Alamo? Statistically, it's a relatively insignificant moment in the Texas Revolution, with the Mexican army overpowering a force of less than 200 Texian rebels to capture a small mission-turned-fort within a sparsely populated area. It also does not appear to be indicative of the overall war, as Texas would eventually shake off Mexican rule despite the loss, briefly becoming an independent republic before its annexation by the United States. So what's the point? Wouldn't we be better off remembering to have our pie à la mode instead? Well I guess the least we can do is take a look at the battle before promptly sending it to "working memory hell" along with everything we learned about trigonometry and the fact that there's a Caddyshack II (darn, I had to remind myself).

Captain Henry Morgan

Fig.1: You know he's heroically propping 
his left foot on a barrel just off-sketch.

You know you've hit the pinnacle of historical fame when you have an intoxicating libation named after you. Great figures like like Samuel Adams, (Bloody) Mary I of England, and Vyacheslav Molotov have been so honored (although I wouldn't recommend ordering that last one at a bar), but among the most revered is the Captain himself. Before all that, Sir Henry Morgan (fig.1) was one of the most successful and most feared pirates at sea in the 17th century. The mere mention of his name caused nightmares for Spanish colonists throughout the Caribbean, especially ones where their house was being plundered while doing a public speaking presentation in their underwear. While Forbes ranks him as just the 9th wealthiest pirate of all time, his spiced rum generated over a billion dollars in sales in 2013 alone, and I think his reputation (and documented alcoholism) has something to do with that.

Boston Tea Party (video)

Greetings, my few but loyal viewers. I have returned with another video history! This time I will be discussing the greatest moment involving property destruction and environmental pollution in American history: the Boston Tea Party. Arguably this event, as well as the British reaction to it, became the spark that ignited the North American colonies into a full-scale revolution, eventually ending with their independence as the United States. Plus, who doesn't love a party on a boat (especially one where you get to dump things overboard)? I hope they throw tea out of planes next!

Canned Histories: Boston Tea Party

The Aztec Empire

Fig.1: Egyptians often show up just to laugh at 
the Aztec pyramids.

Among all pre-Columbian Mesoamerican civilizations located in the Central Valley of present-day Mexico, none come more first alphabetically than the Aztecs. Okay, I guess I'll give them more credit than that. The Aztec peoples created one of the most complex and fascinating cultures in North America, and established many customs prevalent within Mexico today. Its so-called "Empire," actually an alliance of three prominent city-states along with their groupies, successfully ruled and expanded throughout the region. They increased their wealth through natural resources and tribute, as well as their side-business through a technological advertising firm ("Let Adztech work for you!"). The main city of Tenochtitlan is estimated to have been the largest city in the world by the beginning of the 16th century, thoroughly embarrassing those feces-encrusted towns of London and Paris. But like pretty much everything, the Spanish had to arrive and screw it all up, conquering their land in the 1520s. Maybe if the Aztec engaged in a little more human sacrifice, their sun deity would have shone more favorably on them (which I would also argue is what currently ails the world economy).

George Washington

It's Presidents' Day Weekend in the United States! So while you're out buying discounted mattresses and SUV's with 0% APR and $0 due at signing, let us remember the 44 leaders that have made the tough decisions so us commoners don't have to think about petty things like budgets and diplomacy and when they're re-invading Vietnam for the grudge match. I'll be going through all the presidents one by one at this time every year, which will take about 44 years (maybe I'll do Grover Cleveland twice). But we may have six to eleven more during that span, and then another one or two in the added time needed to cover them, so I'll probably be pushing up daisies before I'm done with this (especially if the Vietcong captures me in the counter-invasion).

Fig.1: Only an infallible man can sucker punch like that.

The Commander-in-Chief. The Father of His Country. The American Cincinnatus. The Conflagration from the Plantation (used during his UFC days, fig 1). Whatever you like to call him, everyone knows all about George Washington. He led the Patriots to victory over the British in the American War for Independence, allowing for the establishment of a free United States that would kick butt in everything for the next 200+ years. He presided over the Constitutional Convention, creating a governmental framework without any possible pitfalls. He became the very first President, and set various precedents for the office from titles, term limits, neutrality, and the fact that the American executive doesn't need to put the seat down for anybody. He is arguably the greatest man in the history of history! Unfortunately, there are many people who are willing to be arguably about it. Recent scholarship has attempted to take Washington down a notch or two, and show that he exhibited many shortcomings during his lifetime. I'm here to combat these so-called historians ("communists" is probably the more appropriate term) and present Washington the way he needs to be to those impressionable school children: as a hero who could do no wrong. Only then can Americans feel better about themselves.

Viking Discovery of America

Fig.1: "Dibbs!"

Everyone and their uncle's monkey knows that in fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. But what those sly kindergarten teachers failed to tell you was that around the year ten-hundred, Leif Erikson reached the New World and plundered! That's right, conclusive evidence exists that history's greatest bullies, the Vikings, actually became the first Europeans to discover America (fig.1)! While the old Norse legends had long claimed that great explorers voyaged west and made landfall in a place called "Vinland," it wasn't until the 1960s that crazy people digging in the dirt (a breed commonly known as archaeologists) confirmed these stories through the finding of an old Viking settlement on the Canadian island of Newfoundland. Although no long-term colonization occurred at this time (as other Europeans would conceitedly graciously do 500 years later), this initial journey remains a remarkable feat of Norse ingenuity, curiosity, and insatiability of the desire to find more heads of lob off with their axes.

Toledo War

Fig.1: The Toledo Strip, home to the Toledo Strip Mall with a Dunkin Donuts, 
a Krispy Kreme, and a Tim Horton's all in one convenient location!

Boundary disputes have perhaps caused more wars in the past two hundred years than any other issue, save for who is entitled to that last slice of pizza. Even in the 21st century, skirmishes between countries over where my stuff starts and your stuff ends occur regularly in Africa, South and Southeast Asia, Eastern Europe, and in the snack bar at the United Nations. But did you know that a war almost occurred between two states in the United States over a chunk of land about the size of Andorra? It's true: Michigan and Ohio both raised and armed militias in 1835 in order to keep a less than 500 square mile swath of territory known as the Toledo Strip under their own sovereignty. Both wanted access to the vital port linking the Maumee River to Lake Erie, the fertile farmland in the west, and to play home to the storied Toledo Mudhens minor league baseball team. The ensuing standoff left a staggering zero dead, one slightly wounded, and countless people's feelings hurt. It remains the largest internal dispute in United States history. And by that I mean it remains the largest internal dispute in United States history that deals with a strip of land in the Midwest with the same name as a city in Spain in which no one actually died.

Battle of New Orleans

Fig.1: Andrew Jackson failed to check his text messages to see if the war was over.

There are battles that help decide wars, give one side the momentum, or become so significant in the long run that it takes on a life of its own and enters into the national consciousness. And then there are battles that are rather pointless and are actually fought after the peace treaty to end the war is signed. The Battle of New Orleans in the winter of 1814-5 is one of the latter. Despite the fact that the Treaty of Ghent, which ended the War of 1812 between the United States and the United Kingdom, was signed on Christmas Eve 1814, the soldiers in New Orleans didn't get their copy of USA Today in time, and the major fighting took place on January 8 of the next year. Imagine the look on their faces when they eventually found out the war was over! It really is a fantastic joke...as long as you look past the fact that over three thousand people were killed, wounded, or missing. Other than that, what a knee-slapper!

Betsy Ross

We all know the story of Betsy Ross from second grade. George Washington needed a symbol to bring his young nation together against the tyranny of the British, so he commissioned a seamstress in Philadelphia to create the first American flag, which she does successfully, and all the Patriots rally around the new flag to beat the British and create the best nation on Earth. Amurika! But what most people don't know is that this story didn't come about until nearly a hundred years after the War of Independence, and was told by Betsy's grandson with basically no proof or verified sources except through family tradition and word-of-mouth. Sounds rather suspicious, doesn't it? So who really is this Betsy Ross character? Is there any reason to believe that she really did create the first American flag? And if not, why have we been lied to by our teachers and textbooks all this time?  Miss Lewis, how could you?!  After all the apples we gave you!

Fig.1: I bet that's not even your real hair, 
you lying scoundrel!

First of all, "Betsy" isn't even her real name! She was born Elizabeth Griscom in 1752, one of seventeen children in a prominent Quaker family in Philadelphia (I don't care if "Betsy" is short for "Elizabeth," it still sounds fishy). She was taught to sew at a young age by her great-aunt, Sarah Griscom, which normally isn't pertinent information when writing a mini-biography on someone, but I guess if an individual's possible claim to fame is sewing something, then I should just throw that in there. (Don't worry, I won't be telling you where Genghis Khan learned to sew when I write a history on him, even though it's quite a fascinating story!) During the Revolution, she apparently used this skill to make uniforms and tents for the Continental Army, but with her dubious sewing history, I really need to see embroidery that says "This was stitched by Betsy Ross" in order to even believe that.

The Donner Party

Fig 1: The first of many traffic jams in California history.

Of all the parties thrown in the world, none ended so calamitously, not even my sixth birthday when that kid nearly choked to death on a noisemaker, than the Donner Party did in the winter of 1846-7. Even though the Donner Party is just one letter away from "Dinner Party," it certainly was nothing of the sort. Several families left the midwest pioneer-style for greener pastures and better fortunes out in California. Led by George Donner, the party 87 strong made it to Wyoming without a hitch, but somewhere along the line they made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, and they were forced to camp out for the winter in the Sierra Nevada mountains with no food or sustenance...except each other!

*cue the dramatic music*