Thomas Jefferson

After a nearly two year absence, the Canned Historian is back! And just in time for President's Day once again! Since you're not able to go to the bank, post office, school, or video store (though most of the latter are closed 365 days a year anyway), you might as well stay in and read my continuing series on the U.S. Presidents! And when you're done, check out my previous histories on George Washington and John Adams, since they did some presidential things as well.

Fig.1: Jefferson doesn't even need to sign the waiver to
order the ghost pepper wings anymore.

Everybody knows Thomas Jefferson: author of the Declaration of Independence, founder of the Democratic Party, third President of the United States, patron of the University of Virginia, sage of Monticello, and world record-holder of most hot wing challenges beaten in the former Thirteen Colonies (fig.1). But are we getting the full story here? Does Jefferson really deserve all the accolades that historians, politicians, and third-grade biography-report-writers heap upon his powdered head? Just like with George Washington, many are beginning to take a more skeptical view of Jefferson's contributions; unlike Washington, however, this skepticism is 100% deserved. Upon a closer glance, turns out that Thomas Jefferson is nothing but a liar, cheater, plagiarizer, credit-stealer, backstabber, profligate, and womanizer who pioneered for future American politicians to be all those things as well! So allow me to expose this fraud, whose face should be plastered on signs that read "Do Not Accept Checks from This Man" as opposed to national monuments.

Brian Boru

Fig.1: Unlike Saint Patrick, Brian Boru thankfully doesn't
have a day where it is acceptable for people dress as
ugly, hairy leprechauns.

Ireland has been a notoriously difficult place to rule over, what with the constant rebellions and the parades to commemorate the rebellions (fig.1). Early on, it was even difficult for the Irish themselves to take charge over their own Emerald Isle! Irish politics in the first millennium After Doughnuts (AD) was reduced to families ruling over their own little parcel of land. Indeed, the only hope of advancement was to challenge other clans to bar fights, which typically ended with disembodied heads everywhere (thus why they introduced those unbreakable beer bottles). Things changed when a man known as Brian Boru rose to prominence. He began the process of uniting Ireland by, yes, cutting some heads, but also by forging a national identity and culture. He was also able to bring Irishmen together through their hatred of those blasted Vikings, who always cheated by bringing axes into the pub. While his accomplishments faded after his death faster than a college student's liver on St. Patrick's Day, he is revered as one of the first rulers of a united Ireland, a goal which some people are still trying to get even today! (History doesn't end, people.)

Declaration of Independence (video)

Historical sources do not reveal King George III's immediate reaction to thirteen of his colonies' declaration of independence (known as the Declaration of Independence). Luckily I have been dumped once or thrice in my life, and I have a little bit of an idea of how it went down. This video is my depiction of how the United States' moment of independence went down from the monarchical mindset, complete with a full-range of beautifully-choreographed facial expressions.

Teachers! Check out the lesson activity that can be used with this video as guided practice for understanding the Declaration of Independence as a primary source!

America Breaks Up with King George by Voicemail (Declaration of Independence)

The Seventh Crusade

Fig.1: The fedora fad of the 1920s would only be outdone
by the one of the 1220s.

For all intents and purposes, the Sixth Crusade did its job and brought the holy city of Jerusalem back into Christian control. Nevermind the fact that the Crusaders were not allowed to build a wall to defend their kingdom, or that Muslims were still allowed to rule certain areas in and around the city, or that the guy who won the city was excommunicated by the Pope and was no better than the Antichrist (who really isn't that bad of a guy once you get to know him). As such, many people in Europe saw the Sixth Crusade as not really a crusade at all, but some sneaky deal made in a smoke-filled room (fig.1). Of course, once rumors of a Seventh Crusade started swirling about, people were just so scarred from the last few that many Europeans wanted nothing to do with it. (On a related note, I hope Star Wars: Episode 7 will be at least halfway decent! It has to be better than the prequels, right? Right?!)